Tuesday, November 1, 2011

Visiting my Grandmother Part 1

I've been gone from blogging for a while. Between school starting, my grandmother, and life in general, I have been behind on the blog writing curve! I apologize. I warn you that this post is gross at times but really capture my heart right now, in the mid-west, helping my grandmother through the last stages of life. I take no offense to not reading it. I actually completely understand. I wish I wasn't experiencing this in my life yet, but When your living it each day, it is easier to just write. At times no matter how hard you try to be tears just form, it's life. I've learned this lesson. This whole experience is making me stronger and even more ready to get married and have children. 

I pray that everyone is doing well.

I arrived on Sunday evening around 10:45pm. I took three flights, visited 4 states and 4 airports. I knew she was going to be bad, but nothing really prepares you for the last stages before death.Especially of someone whom you have loved so dearly. The last time I saw her, which was about a month ago, would just take occasional naps, Monday, October 31 she was up for maybe 10 minutes the entire day. It broke my heart to see her so helpless and tired. She would moan she hurt so badly. She is taking a morphine and nausea medication every 2 hours. If she doesn't take the nausea medication she literally pukes poop. It is the most horrifying thing to observe someone's body not working properly there is absolutely nothing that you can do. All she ate a cup of peaches and a cup of blackberry pie with milk that was all, all day. With some water here and there.

I give her credit thought she tries extremely hard to be in good spirits but I imagine it is probably the hardest thing she does each day. You try massages, giving her whatever she wants to comfort her. Last night was an extremely bad night. She threw up numerous times - green colored poop this time. She has started hallucinating from the morphine I am assuming. She thought I went to the world series, asked me why I'm not married yet - I should have babies by now - I would be a good mother. She went to use the bathroom last night and thought the curtains were toilet paper. She got extremely upset that we couldn't get her to bed fast enough after using the bathroom. You just aren't sure what to do.

Luckily she still knows who we are but I don't imagine this will last very long. She received flowers yesterday that we put bedside to hopefully give her something pretty to look at the few moments that she is awake. We have decided that since she is so quiet and tries to hard to be strong we are putting her on a medication regiment, making her take her two medications every 2 hours instead of letting her decide if she wants them. We installed a baby monitor but she is so quiet sometimes you don't hear her especially when you sleep.

I am at that point, where I pray to God regularly that he would just take her. It sounds horrible to say out loud but if you saw what I have seen, you wouldn't want her to be dealing with this either. Someone so special, loving, caring, and amazing shouldn't be so miserable and unhappy. 

My grandma was having anxiety over what she would wear to her own funeral. So my aunt asked her what she wanted to wear and jewelry she would want to wear. So we washed it, ironed it, and laid out her jewelry.It is so hard to believe that in 2 short months we are at this place. A woman who has previously had such great health is doing so poorly now. 

My grandfather is just beside himself, he doesn't know what to do with himself once she passes. He has begged my Aunt/Uncle who live near them to allow him to move in with them, he would pay them. Which we all have just wondered why he is so quick to give up his independence.

The entire week is extremely emotionally draining and tiring. My grandmother has said a million times she hates me seeing her this way. I don't care! I'm happy to have the time with her and be able to help her through this difficult and trying time.

Until next time.... AmazingFabulousWedding@gmail.com


  1. Oh goodness. This is awful. I'm so sorry you're having to see your grandmother like this, and that she's having to go through it. I went through a very similar stage with my grandfather before he passed, so I completely understand why you would want God to just go ahead and take her. It's hard on everybody during this time. :o(

    As far as your grandfather giving up independence so quickly, I noticed this on my dad's side of the family. After my grandmother passed, my grandfather realized he didn't know how to do anything. For 60 years my grandmother had washed his clothes, made his meals, paid his bills, etc. My dad and his siblings had to teach my grandfather to do all these things just so he could still live on his own. Then there's the loneliness issue, as well. Men don't handle being alone nearly as well as women do. I'm sure it's a mixture of these things causing your grandfather not to want to live alone.

    I'll be thinking about you and your family. I hope that when the time comes and she does pass, that you all can find peace and comfort in each other.

  2. Glad you were able to spend some quality time with your grandmother!! Will be sending her some positive energy!