Monday, March 19, 2012

Unsure of how to write this post or where to begin...

I have drafted this post a couple of times now. I haven't blogged in a while or looked at any blogs, I have over 1,500 emails in my account, the cards, the flowers, have been ever so sweet! THANK YOU! This is a long post and mostly me getting my thoughts out because I haven't done it yet - I've tried to block this whole thing out completely - it isn't working.

Have you ever woken up and just thought to yourself, all of my dreams are coming true. I have felt that way for the past year and half - all of my dreams are coming true. Then February 16, 2012 happened - Mr. C was born with heart issues - some I didn't even really know all about until now. He has always been in fabulous health. He has known about his issues and watched it for years. 

On February 16, 2012, he came home from work saying he didn't feel good, he was going to go take a nap. I checked on him numerous times because he is NOT a napper ever. Around 11pm, I tried to wake him up because he hadn't gotten up for dinner, he would not wake up, but was still breathing. I immediately called 911, then his family. After getting to the hospital, numerous hours of testing, waiting, crying, anticipation and such, Mr. C had a heart attack, was in a coma for 2 and half weeks, and took his last breath on March 5, 2012.

I lost the love of my life - my soul mate. The Lord took him from me and selfishly - I am not ready for this at all and angry now - at first I was just so sad. I don't understand, I don't see the point, I'm trying not to be so angry at him. I haven't been an overly religious person until my grandmother died back in November and it made me go back to my roots more.

I know I am still in shock, because even though I write this it doesn't seem real. I feel like I am living a terrible nightmare and someone needs to pinch me so I can finally wake up. Numerous times, I have woken up and reached over to his side of the bed, hoping for a warm spot, or better - him to snuggle up to like I always have. 

I'm not even sure where to go or what to do after I click Publish. That makes this so final, I'm telling the world. I have been staying at my parents house because I don't want to go to our newly purchased house yet. We have a few projects started that we were planning to finish that weekend when he went for a nap. The house holds our pictures, memories, and the part I cannot even wrap my mind around - our wedding plans, that will never happen. Instead of finishing those wedding plans, I planned a funeral and have to figure out what will happen to everything since we aren't married yet. I cannot even be called a widow, because my spouse didn't die - my fiance did. I'm feeling so much loss right now - I just lost my grandma, now the man I held so dear- I'm so overwhelmed with emotion - I don't know what to think at times. Sometimes I cannot even think.

We had not set up a will yet, I have my own personal will that I was going to change when we got married. All of the things we have had set in place were on a two income household. Thinking about all of this just makes me loose my mind - what am I going to do.

The part that is the hardest is being alone, starting over, figuring things out myself, after 8 years of being with someone, you get comfortable - not in a bad way, but I have always found comfort in coming home and talking to Mr. C about my day, concerns, life, future, who will I share these moments with? Who will hold my hand while I cry each day so upset about this situation? Who is going to love my faults, crazy personality, my insecurities? Who is going to see me for me - and all my imperfections? 

My closest friend, asked me the other day, "Do you think you'll date again?" It stopped me in my tracks. The thought had not crossed my mind yet. Date? I was about to get married - how can I go backwards - how can I find someone as good as my Mr. C? And here is something I haven't even thought about until now - how do you explain to someone new this situation? 

I decided to start therapy last week. Sounds like I'm a crazy bat - but I know this is what I need, to start healing myself. I also did the unthinkable yesterday, I called a Realtor, storage/moving company, and mortgage broker to figure out what to do with this house. I am going to pay someone to pack everything and put it in storage until I am ready to go through it. I just can't do it now. My mother got my clothes and toiletries for me. The thought of stepping into that house alone is just unimaginable. 

I also decided I cannot leave the blogging world. I have come to enjoy it too much. I am still going to write about my life because it truly is a gift. I hope that one day, I will be able to write about planning a wedding again. The day seems very, very, far away. 

THANK YOU THANK YOU THANK YOU for all of the support, emails, cards, flowers, and just warm thoughts - I need every one of them. I will respond to everyone, it is on my healing list. Instead of a To Do list - I have a Healing List. 

Until next time.... didn't know how to sign it)